We were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone.

-"A Murder of One" by Counting Crows

"The world is a playground. We knew that as a kid. But somewhere along the line we forgot that."
-Zooey Deschannel in "Yes Man"

"When we were kids
We hated things our parents did
We listened low
To Casey Kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice
To think of them just makes you feel nice
The smell of grass in spring
And October leaves cover everything"

"When we were kids
We hated things our sisters did
Backyard summer pools
And Christmases were beautiful
And the sentiment
Of colored mirrored ornaments
And the open drapes
Look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes"
-"Have You Forgotten" by The Red House Painters

All of these quotations capture it perfectly, beautifully. Poetically. Sorry for the adverbs but its true.

Everything, everything, everything I have ever thought or written about stems from this. Childhood is beautiful and magical. I understand that this isn't true for all, but for me and many others it is.

I remember everything. I remember when Christmas parties meant getting treats and gifts, playing with my cousins, singing carols and seeing Santa Claus. I remember how summers never seemed to end but August always came a little too soon. I remember getting up with the sun and playing until after it went away.

I remember. The good and the bad. And I feel nostalgia for everything.

Here's honesty: I feel like I don't have direction. It's easy when you're a kid because adults tell you what to do. You go to school, you play with your friends and family, you have fun. Sometimes you have to do chores and homework but its always worth it.

Then you grow up and you get a part time job, and that's when things start to set in. Money is great to have and all but its not everything, and a lot of the time its not worth what you have to sacrifice to get it. Then you go to college which comes with all sorts of learning experiences, good and bad. Its good to have bad learning experiences to, to make mistakes, because this is what learning is.

But you learn a lot about yourself. Stuff you never knew and stuff you never wanted to face. It changes you, sometimes for better but a lot of times for worse. You realize you are no longer the carefree little child you used to be. You worry, you hate, you limit yourself. You try desperately to hold onto old things and resist, terribly so, the new. But you can't hold on forever, and the more you resist the harder things become.

I write and I play guitar not too escape but to ascend. I'm trying to find not a balance but a new level. I want those feelings, those memories...all of them, the sights and smells and feelings of childhood but on an adult level. I want to live, damn it. And I don't mean necessarily going bungee jumping or anything of the sort. I want to be happy all the time. I want to sometimes just be carefree. But I also want to be responsible.

I don't know how close I am or how much further I have to go.

All you need is a sharp knife.